I hope blogger will not hang on me today.

I felt like eating pasta for dinner tonight. So I called my hubby and asked him if he is free tonight. Well, he took me to Siglap Cafe carta and we had a wonderful dinner. During the dinner, I asked him how much does it cost to backpack Europe, he said it was expensive. If both of us will to do that, he estimated it will at least cost 20k for a month in Europe. Then I asked him if it is cheaper to go to America, and he said yes.

Out of sudden, I dun know why too, I asked him where will he want to go for our honeymoon. He said Sentosa. I gave an angry look. I asked him again. He said he dun even know when are we getting married. My heart sunk.

In the car, after some initate conversation, he asked me or rather commented if I am ready to get married. I gave him a funny look as I dun really know what is he talking about. He continue to said that we need at least 50k to get married. I told him right off that we dun need that much. He told me that he understand that we dun need that much for a wedding but what if I got pregnant right after the wedding. I forgot what did conversation we have after that because my heart was in my stomach.

I remember that he said that he has not given much thoughts on our wedding yet. I almost screamed at him and asked him if he wanted to get married afterall a not. He quickly said that that is not what he meant, He said that he has not given serious thought on whether if he wants a dinner a not and all those details, not if we are getting married a not. By this time, my tears has already run down to my face.

He saw that and got worried. He said me why am I crying. I just dun feel like talking to him. I said nothing and I was not crying. We went back to the new house. He stayed inside his room and I was in the kitchen. I stay in my kitchen and look at the lovely colors of the cabinets I have selected. I look at the design of the kitchen cabinets and I love them so much because it was my design. I wish I can go to ikea now, get that orange cabinet I saw a year ago and screw it up on the wall, it matches my kitchen colors. I knew that inside my head I kept telling myself to stop doing these sort of decoration stuff because I am not staying in the house and my hubby will not know how to take care of them. They will get dusty and rusty. My cats will pulled them down before I could use them.

I looked at my kitchen walls and saw spiderwebs on them. My head told me that there is no point cleaning them up because I am not staying there and my hubby will not even notice that they were clean up. I feel so sad inside.

I looked at my living room feature wall again. It is so lovely. I wished that I stay here. As my mind wonder, I begin to think if I will to buy a three room flat, should I bring this lovely wall feature into my new three room flat. Maybe not, it will remind me of a bad memory.

I feel like telling my hubby that if we do not get married by the time I reach 32, I wish to be separated and divorve with him. Reasons, I have waited too long and I dun get to enjoy the flat that I have renovated, design and paid. I calculate that if I separate with him at the age of 32, divorve with him at the age of 35, I can buy my own three room flat. I dun have to serve him, wash his clothes, clean the house after him, and iron his clothes or cook for him. I dun have to care if he loves me a not, bare his children and bring up his children, fear for things that all married woman fear. Why do I have to go through all this. Why do I have to wait for so long and I am still waiting now.

Am I stupid? User at the Singapore brides forum said that I am too nice. I dun know if I am too nice. I never told anyone my problem. I choose to wait because I knew he got finance problem, we got no money to get married at first. Now that we got some money, I dun really understand why he is not bringing up the topic on wedding. Did he want to get married afterall? Or is money really not enough? I dun understand.

We could have a simple wedding. He just agreed, changed his mind after a while and not talk about any plans after that.

I dun feel like telling him that I wanted a divorve at the age of 32 if we are still not married because I knew that if we do that, he will want to get married. This is like forcing him to, I dun want to happen like this. God, please tell me what should I do. I am feeling very miserable now. I dun feel like talking to anybody.

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