He finally called me on Sunday night.
I went to my new house tonight. It was my cats' birthday.
As I walked into my new house, I hardly feel anything for it. It is a good news that way, so that I dun get hurt. However, the moment I was left alone sitting in my living room, I look at my feature wall. I think it is beautiful because it was my design. It is my design but it is mine? I looked at the web forming on each square features on the wall, my heart sunk to the bottom to my stomach.
I looked at the TV console that I have brought with my money. I have choosen the furniture and had went to many places to look for it so that it will match my living room. I am still amazing at my own selection, but I began to have second thought again. I am thinking if does the TV console belong to me, it has got a layer of thick dust resting on it and one of the white drawer was stained with something that I cannot figure out.
I told myself that this house was just an investment that I have make, hopefully that it will bring some good profit. I can only confort myself this way because I cannot make myself have any feeling for the house. It is hurting me if I have too much emotion on it.
I think I will try not to go back to my own house too often. If possible, not to go back there at all. I was thinking, I regreted that I ROM with my husband too early. I have been waiting to get married for three and a half years. I have been thinking of ways to tell myself to be strong and understanding. I know that he has no money which nagging him or whatever I do will not help at all. I know that I got to be strong beside him, going through all these years with him. I know too that I cannot stress him, cannot nag him to get married because he is in finance debt.
One thing good about him is that he almost never ask me for money even he is in debt. I treasure this good point very much. However, I believe like any other couples, he never hold my hands again, never walk beside me again.
I guess he is lucky to have me as his wife. I am good in telling myself positive things but sometime I cannot escape myself from the reality. I have told myself that being not married is good because I dun have to wash for him, iron for him, cook and clean the house (He will never help). I have told myself that being not married mean that I can travel as often without him as I like, and manage to save more money than being in married life. The bad thing was that there were times when I got so engross in thinking about being not married that maybe a divorve might be something good. Recently I have thoughts that why not we sell our 5 room flat, divide the money and I get myself a three room flat when I reach 35 five years later. I even have a few design for my three room flat. I think that was unhealthy.
Just now when I was looking at my living room, I was thinking about selling it. It means selling off my feature wall, and maybe my TV console. My tears just came rolling down. I dun think I am strong enough to go through the selling. My hubby suddenly came out of his room and annouce: "let go". I quick wrapped my tears dry and put on my shoe. I took a glance at my kitchen and tell myself not to be so emotional.
I guess this is my fate. My fate is that I got to wait and wait to become a maid.