A Love Story:'What I Did for Love'

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him.  And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways.  I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl. 

"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked. "I can't" "Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.  "No. I am going to meet a friend." He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word 'love' only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say 'I love you' before. To us, there weren't any anniversaries at all. He didn't say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days.200days. Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don't know why.

Then one day.
Me: Um, Jin, I .
Jin: What.don't drag, just say..
Me: I love you.  Jin: ..you..um, just take this doll and go home. That was how he ignored my 'three words' and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many. Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But. lunch passed, dinner passed. and soon the sky was dark. he still didn't call.........  It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.

Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin.
Jin: Here.take this. Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What's this? Jin: I didn't give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I'm going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is? Jin: Today? Huh? I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.
Then I shouted. "Wait."
Jin: You have something to say? 
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me. > > > >
Jin: What?! > > > >
Me: Tell me > > > > I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. > > > > But he just said simple cold words and left. > > > > "I don't want to say.that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else." That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb.and I collapsed to the ground. He didn't want to say it easily. How could he..  I felt that. Maybe he is not the right guy for me. 

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn't call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That's how those dolls piled up in my room. everyday After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that. I saw him on a street.with another girl. He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me as he touched the doll. I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell. Why did he gave these to me. Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls. In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.

Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that. it's going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came? I couldn't help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual.
Me: I don't need it.
Jin: What..why. I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don't need this doll, I don't need it anymore!! I don't want to see a person like you again! I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking. "I'm sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll.
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!! But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. 

Then. Honk~ Honk~ With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him."Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted. But he didn't hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll. "Jin, move!"  HONK~!!  "Boom!" That sound, so terrifying. That's how he went away from me.  That's how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.

After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him. And after spending two months like a crazy person. I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days. when we were in love. "One.two. three."  That was how. I started to count the dolls. "Four hundred and eighty four. four hundred and eighty five." It all ended with 485 dolls.  I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly. "I love you~, I love you~" I dropped the dolls,shocked. "I..lo..ve.you??" I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach. "I love you~ I love you~" It can't be! I pressed all the dolls' stomach as it piled on the side. "I love you~" "I love you~"  "I love you~" Those words came out non-stop. I.love you. Why didn't I realize that..........  That his heart was always by my side, protecting me.

Why didn't I realize that he love me this much. I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it's stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much. "Jo.Do you know what today is? We've been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn't say I love you.. Um. since I was too shy. If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you.  everyday. till I die. Jo. I love you."

The tears came flowing out of me......... Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can't be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute. For that. and for that reason. to me. it became courage. to live a beautiful life..  It's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose someone that you love with your useless pride !

My Comment: Dun try to love a shy guy, you will be strangle to your death. Nothing could beat the three important words coming for your loves one mouth to your ears. No dolls voices can replace that. I dun find this story touching, sorry if you feel that touching. In fact I feel that the guy was stupid and the English was bad.


Female Hand Holding Wedding Cake Topper
Sokol, Howard
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I hope blogger will not hang on me today.

I felt like eating pasta for dinner tonight. So I called my hubby and asked him if he is free tonight. Well, he took me to Siglap Cafe carta and we had a wonderful dinner. During the dinner, I asked him how much does it cost to backpack Europe, he said it was expensive. If both of us will to do that, he estimated it will at least cost 20k for a month in Europe. Then I asked him if it is cheaper to go to America, and he said yes.

Out of sudden, I dun know why too, I asked him where will he want to go for our honeymoon. He said Sentosa. I gave an angry look. I asked him again. He said he dun even know when are we getting married. My heart sunk.

In the car, after some initate conversation, he asked me or rather commented if I am ready to get married. I gave him a funny look as I dun really know what is he talking about. He continue to said that we need at least 50k to get married. I told him right off that we dun need that much. He told me that he understand that we dun need that much for a wedding but what if I got pregnant right after the wedding. I forgot what did conversation we have after that because my heart was in my stomach.

I remember that he said that he has not given much thoughts on our wedding yet. I almost screamed at him and asked him if he wanted to get married afterall a not. He quickly said that that is not what he meant, He said that he has not given serious thought on whether if he wants a dinner a not and all those details, not if we are getting married a not. By this time, my tears has already run down to my face.

He saw that and got worried. He said me why am I crying. I just dun feel like talking to him. I said nothing and I was not crying. We went back to the new house. He stayed inside his room and I was in the kitchen. I stay in my kitchen and look at the lovely colors of the cabinets I have selected. I look at the design of the kitchen cabinets and I love them so much because it was my design. I wish I can go to ikea now, get that orange cabinet I saw a year ago and screw it up on the wall, it matches my kitchen colors. I knew that inside my head I kept telling myself to stop doing these sort of decoration stuff because I am not staying in the house and my hubby will not know how to take care of them. They will get dusty and rusty. My cats will pulled them down before I could use them.

I looked at my kitchen walls and saw spiderwebs on them. My head told me that there is no point cleaning them up because I am not staying there and my hubby will not even notice that they were clean up. I feel so sad inside.

I looked at my living room feature wall again. It is so lovely. I wished that I stay here. As my mind wonder, I begin to think if I will to buy a three room flat, should I bring this lovely wall feature into my new three room flat. Maybe not, it will remind me of a bad memory.

I feel like telling my hubby that if we do not get married by the time I reach 32, I wish to be separated and divorve with him. Reasons, I have waited too long and I dun get to enjoy the flat that I have renovated, design and paid. I calculate that if I separate with him at the age of 32, divorve with him at the age of 35, I can buy my own three room flat. I dun have to serve him, wash his clothes, clean the house after him, and iron his clothes or cook for him. I dun have to care if he loves me a not, bare his children and bring up his children, fear for things that all married woman fear. Why do I have to go through all this. Why do I have to wait for so long and I am still waiting now.

Am I stupid? User at the Singapore brides forum said that I am too nice. I dun know if I am too nice. I never told anyone my problem. I choose to wait because I knew he got finance problem, we got no money to get married at first. Now that we got some money, I dun really understand why he is not bringing up the topic on wedding. Did he want to get married afterall? Or is money really not enough? I dun understand.

We could have a simple wedding. He just agreed, changed his mind after a while and not talk about any plans after that.

I dun feel like telling him that I wanted a divorve at the age of 32 if we are still not married because I knew that if we do that, he will want to get married. This is like forcing him to, I dun want to happen like this. God, please tell me what should I do. I am feeling very miserable now. I dun feel like talking to anybody.

I have decided...

I have to try to record down what wonderful things my hubby do for me. This blog cannot be all the bad stuffs. I have to learn to remember good things he has done.

To start off, yesterday he brought lots of durians and rambutans for my mum. Since I dun like either, today, he brought some "dragon eyes" for me. I dunno what "dragon eyes" was in English. We watch Ella Enchanted today, and although he dun really like the show, he knew that I like crap moives. He accompany me upstair to my unit today because he knew we got an invisible loadshark.

Everything was back to normal on Sunday night

He finally called me on Sunday night.
 
I went to my new house tonight. It was my cats' birthday.
 
As I walked into my new house, I hardly feel anything for it. It is a good news that way, so that I dun get hurt. However, the moment I was left alone sitting in my living room, I look at my feature wall. I think it is beautiful because it was my design. It is my design but it is mine? I looked at the web forming on each square features on the wall, my heart sunk to the bottom to my stomach.
 
I looked at the TV console that I have brought with my money. I have choosen the furniture and had went to many places to look for it so that it will match my living room. I am still amazing at my own selection, but I began to have second thought again. I am thinking if does the TV console belong to me, it has got a layer of thick dust resting on it and one of the white drawer was stained with something that I cannot figure out.
 
I told myself that this house was just an investment that I have make, hopefully that it will bring some good profit. I can only confort myself this way because I cannot make myself have any feeling for the house. It is hurting me if I have too much emotion on it.
 
I think I will try not to go back to my own house too often. If possible, not to go back there at all. I was thinking, I regreted that I ROM with my husband too early. I have been waiting to get married for three and a half years. I have been thinking of ways to tell myself to be strong and understanding. I know that he has no money which nagging him or whatever I do will not help at all. I know that I got to be strong beside him, going through all these years with him. I know too that I cannot stress him, cannot nag him to get married because he is in finance debt. 
 
One thing good about him is that he almost never ask me for money even he is in debt. I treasure this good point very much. However, I believe like any other couples, he never hold my hands again, never walk beside me again.
 
I guess he is lucky to have me as his wife. I am good in telling myself positive things but sometime I cannot escape myself from the reality. I have told myself that being not married is good because I dun have to wash for him, iron for him, cook and clean the house (He will never help). I have told myself that being not married mean that I can travel as often without him as I like, and manage to save more money than being in married life. The bad thing was that there were times when I got so engross in thinking about being not married that maybe a divorve might be something good. Recently I have thoughts that why not we sell our 5 room flat, divide the money and I get myself a three room flat when I reach 35 five years later. I even have a few design for my three room flat. I think that was unhealthy.
 
Just now when I was looking at my living room, I was thinking about selling it. It means selling off my feature wall, and maybe my TV console. My tears just came rolling down. I dun think I am strong enough to go through the selling. My hubby suddenly came out of his room and annouce: "let go". I quick wrapped my tears dry and put on my shoe. I took a glance at my kitchen and tell myself not to be so emotional.
 
I guess this is my fate. My fate is that I got to wait and wait to become a maid.

He has not call me for two days.

Well, my hubby is angry with me for something that I did not agreed to. I am not telling what is it but it is not my fault or his. Since then, he has not talk to me since thursday night. He has not call me either.
 
Well, I am not calling him because it is not my fault that I do not agreed, I got the right not to agreed.

I was so emotional just now.

Stupid blogger! The site was down when I needed you the most.

Well, I am not so emotional now, sort of calm down a little. It happen when I went out with my hubby. My feelings are like a roller coaster. At first, I was not too happy with him. We kept quiet all the time and he complain about me very now and then. We did not catch the spiderman movie because only the first row is available.

After that, I wanted to go home but instead we went round looking for a pool table. At that time, he was more chattly and he told me that he has lost his OCBC card in a ATM machine. He did not complain anything on me. We have an enjoyable pool game until the shop closed and chased us out.

He send me home but he did not send me up to my house. I actually requested him not to because the last time we quarrel all the way up to my floor and he knock his foot on the lift door. Deep inside my heart I was hoping that he will insist because that was 3am in the morning. I was hoping that he will be concern about my safety but he did not. He only requested me to give him a call when I reach upstair.

My heart dropped to my stomach and I was crying inside my stomach. I was thinking that maybe we should not be getting married afterall because our relationship is getting from bad to worest. We did not even hold hands or walk together all these while. I feel that we have lost the feeling we used to have. Marriage to me an additional task for me now. After marriage, what I could only think of is that washing his clothes, ironing them and keeping the house clean, bearing his children becomes my responsibilities. None of the things mentioned above is of my liking.

Maybe we should sell out house, spilt the money and stay on our own. Maybe one day, I should talk to him on this.