There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four
Dinner on Saturday
We went to my hubby's grandmother place for dinner. Soon my hubby mum, his mum sisters and in-laws gather around us. They throw out the topics on our wedding. My mother in-law asked me how many tables does my mother wants and wants me to check with them. My ah yi in-laws said they will all wear cho sum on my wedding day and tell me to let them know when is the day so that they could get their cho sum make in time.
My hubby disappeared suddenly. I am left alone to defend myself. Another in-laws said that it is better to get married this year and everybody agreed. I said that it is immpossible to book a restuarant now. They started to give example of who and who prepare their wedding in such short time and who and who book which restuarant. (where is my stupid hubby?)
After the whole damn dinner, I question my hubby where is he hiding? He show a guilty face and explained that his uncle was talking to him and he was unable to leave the conversation. I told him that I am not going to any of his relative function anymore.
My hubby disappeared suddenly. I am left alone to defend myself. Another in-laws said that it is better to get married this year and everybody agreed. I said that it is immpossible to book a restuarant now. They started to give example of who and who prepare their wedding in such short time and who and who book which restuarant. (where is my stupid hubby?)
After the whole damn dinner, I question my hubby where is he hiding? He show a guilty face and explained that his uncle was talking to him and he was unable to leave the conversation. I told him that I am not going to any of his relative function anymore.
More Jokes.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
WIFE vs HUSBAND!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
WIFE vs HUSBAND!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Yuck! Hello Kitty Wedding Gowns.
I dun know, but what are you thinking now?
At least the last one look decent.
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This blog has slowly become a joke blog! Anyway, here is another one.
A young girl missed her period for two months...
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant now..... Shouting, Cursing, Crying, the mother scream:"Who was the pig that did this to you?. I want to know...!!!!!".
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari car stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with dark hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house slowly.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take the responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach Villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, 5 factory each and $5,000,000 for each child. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?".
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places his hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:"You Can Try Again !".
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant now..... Shouting, Cursing, Crying, the mother scream:"Who was the pig that did this to you?. I want to know...!!!!!".
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari car stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with dark hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house slowly.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take the responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach Villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, 5 factory each and $5,000,000 for each child. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?".
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places his hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:"You Can Try Again !".
Email from Husband
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
My fate *sign*
My hubby asked me if I am interested in the tallest HDB flats in cantonment. I dunno know if I am interested a not, but I told him that since we have already got our flat, I dun think they will allow us to apply for a unit within five years. However the TOP of the flat is around 2010. I still dun think that we can apply for another one because at the point of application, our five years is not up yet.
Anyway, I told him that I have not even live and get to enjoy my own design in my own new house yet. I also told him that if I will to die tomorrow, my greatest regret will be not having to stay in my own house that I designed three years ago. He told me that if I want to stay, I can just moved in anytime I want but I chose not to. It was not that I chose not to, it is because we have not go through our customary marriage yet and my parents will not allow us to stay together. He is making things difficult for me and he told me I cannot put the blame on him for this. I am very sad. Maybe I should really look for another husband.
I dun want to talk about this anymore. Everytime, I talk about this, I will cry.
Anyway, I told him that I have not even live and get to enjoy my own design in my own new house yet. I also told him that if I will to die tomorrow, my greatest regret will be not having to stay in my own house that I designed three years ago. He told me that if I want to stay, I can just moved in anytime I want but I chose not to. It was not that I chose not to, it is because we have not go through our customary marriage yet and my parents will not allow us to stay together. He is making things difficult for me and he told me I cannot put the blame on him for this. I am very sad. Maybe I should really look for another husband.
I dun want to talk about this anymore. Everytime, I talk about this, I will cry.
I'm worth a lot
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the
question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes."
She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. " He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection
spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself." When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot. "
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes."
She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. " He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a
simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection
spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself." When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot. "
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
Polish Divorce
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".
Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said bluntly. "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said bluntly. "What's for dinner?"
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