Seal the Deal and Make Him Commit

Found this article in my documents. I think it has appear in Female or Her World magazine. It is actually the summary of a book named "The rules"

Seal the Deal and Make Him Commit
BY ELLEN FEIN AND SHERRIE SCHNEIDER

Getting the man you want to propose -- and then turning that proposal into an actual wedding date -- can be a tougher deal to close than a media merger. Of course, if you've been following The Rules (the set of dating guidelines outlined in our book, The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, Warner Books, 1995) from the moment you met Mr. Right and he's said he loves you, he will propose -- sometimes in a matter of a few months but usually within 15 months. (He may have his own rules about dating for four seasons before popping the question, and there's nothing wrong with that.)

Don't Break These Rules
Following The Rules means letting him pursue you -- not seeing him more than two or three times a week, refusing to go away with him on weeklong vacations, and not moving in with him or crowding him in any way. If you've done all these things, you've actually helped him fall in love with you and want to marry you. He wants more of you, not less. And you will sense his desire to include you in his world. Within a year, if not sooner, he's figured out that he not only wants to marry you but has to marry you to see you more often, to really have you.

Your problem at this point is not if he's going to marry you but when. Men can happily date, commitment-free, for years! They are notorious for wanting to put off the actual engagement part until later. If he suggests living together first to see if you get along, tell him you're old-fashioned and want to wait until you're engaged or married.

Rules of Engagement
If he hasn't asked you to marry him within a year -- or two at the most -- you might have to shake things up a little bit. Go away for a weekend with a girlfriend, cancel a Saturday-night date, get very busy at work, mention that you are renewing your apartment lease, or be mysterious about some of the things you do. All of the above should make him anxious to propose. A man who is wary of commitment is made less wary by a woman moving away from, not toward, commitment. This isn't trickery. You're just giving him the space he needs. And if this doesn't work?

Ask him what his intentions are. If he says he has no plans to marry you, say okay and then never see him again. Men don't lie about things like this. He's not scared of commitment -- he doesn't want to marry you.

If he says he does plan to marry you someday, but he's not ready yet, then it's up to you to close the deal. Ask him when -- and if it's more than a year away, see less of him and think about dating others. You've already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose. Do you have another year to wait?

If you are already living together and he says he doesn't want to become engaged, make plans to move out. But don't say, "I'm moving out because you won't commit." Just say that you need more space and you heard about a great apartment. When a man doesn't want to commit and you do, leave him alone. If he doesn't try to get you back with a proposal, don't waste your time. If he asks what's going on, nonchalantly answer, "I don't know if this relationship is for me." If he can live without you, you don't want him. Move on.

Dignity-Saving Don'ts
Here are five things not to do if he says he doesn't want to marry you, no matter how tempting.
1. Don't tell him you're hurt or mad, and don't reprimand him for leading you on. You stayed with him -- take responsibility for your actions. And if you've been living with him, you allowed him to be with you indefinitely without making a commitment.

2. Don't suggest going to couples therapy to discuss why he can't commit. Men can and do commit when they love you and when you maintain your identity and self-esteem in the relationship. But they can become commitment-phobic when a woman has pursued them, is too available, or they're just not in love with her.

3. Don't let your man brainwash you into thinking that marriage isn't important - "just a piece of paper." If he does not want to marry you, then he's not that in love with you -- he wants the option of meeting someone else!

4. Don't let a man convince you that because he's been married before, he can't marry you or that you should give him time to recover from wife No. 1 or 2.

5. Don't let a man you have been dating for years convince you to wait until "things slow down" at work or he's better off financially to make a commitment. There will always be work and money issues in life. They should have nothing to do with marrying you.

When a man loves you and wants to marry you, he gets down on bended knee and says something like, "Look, I know I'm not a millionaire, but I love you and I'd do anything for you."

Be Willing to Walk
You've seen it happen: A man will date a woman for five years, claiming he has commitment issues, but after breaking up with her, he marries someone else in six months. If a man truly is in love with you, and your actions (not your words) tell him that you won't wait around forever, his commitment issues will disappear and he will propose.

If you are involved with a man for several years who isn't proposing, how much longer are you willing to wait? When a man knows that you will accept less than marriage, he is not motivated to commit himself fully. You must be willing to walk away.
Assuming you are engaged, how do you actually motivate him to take the walk down the aisle? Becoming engaged is no guarantee of marriage, so don't get lax about The Rules. Don't talk to him on the phone for hours every night -- and it's still best not to move in together. Engagements can be broken and wedding dates never set. Better he should miss you and move up the wedding date than feel claustrophobic as you take over his closet space.

Danger Signals
Be on the alert for any excuses your fianc--e might make or situations that might delay the marriage, such as:
1. He thinks being engaged is great, so why rush into marriage?

2. He's been married before, it was a disaster, and he's not anxious to tie the knot again. He gave you the ring so he doesn't lose you (so you won't sleep with anyone else), but he's happy with the way things are.

3. He's young and still likes to go out with his friends and doesn't want to be tied down. Although you convinced him to become engaged, you can't pin him down to a wedding date.

4. You were already living together when you got engaged, but you still don't have a wedding date set. What to do? In general, it's better to set a wedding date when you get engaged or soon after. Your engagement should last a year or less. If you're under 25, a two-year engagement is fine. If the engagement is dragging on, you may want to think about giving him back the ring and moving on. Perhaps he's not Mr. Right. Don't waste your time.

When Not to Close the Deal
Perhaps you're the one having second thoughts. He's proposed, but something just doesn't feel right, and you're thinking about breaking it off. What should you do? If you've thought about it carefully and discussed your decision with a therapist, good friends, or family members, we suggest that you always trust your instincts. Do not close the deal.

Don't feel silly, embarrassed, or guilty. Don't hate yourself or feel like a failure. Ending a relationship that isn't right is a learning and growing experience. Besides, you're not the first woman to change her mind or cancel a wedding. It happens. You tried, it didn't work out. Better to find out and disentangle yourself now than later.

After you've made up your mind, give yourself permission to grieve. Who wouldn't be upset? But don't give up on love or throw yourself in front of a bus. Keep the faith. You're a winner for being honest with yourself! Your real Mr. Right may be just around the corner, and when you meet him, you won't regret your breakups!